Monday, April 13, 2009

Taking control of the remote control

My youngest brother sure has a wicked sense of humour. He went back to PD to see mom and was looking through the thousands of pictures in mom's albums and came across a picture of me at the height of my ermmm..."plumpness". I'd like to call me at that time as a 'full-figured' woman, but really! Who was I kidding! I was at least 8-10 kilos overweight. I wasn't fat, but I was certainly losing my curves and shape. I am small-framed, so any extra weight on is very visible. I had big boobs and a big butt, a tummy that looked I could be 5 months pregnant (and I was unmarried at that time), plus no waist. In short, I looked like an out of shape penguin! So little brother Jen decided to snap that picture and sent it to me.

When I got the picture, I was horrified!! It has been almost 5 years since I dropped the weight and maintained a healthy lifestyle. In fact, I am so paranoid now to be that size again, I am obsessed with my workouts. I showed that picture to Husband J, who has always heard about my "fat years" but never witnessed it. His eyes were wide-open and asked,"OMG! How on earth did you let yourself go like that??" I didn't know how to answer, because as I remember, I just was. People around me commented how "healthy" I looked, but I wasn't aware (or in denial), and kept on wearing the tight tops and tight skirts wherever I went. In my mind, I was still!
I have always been skinny as a girl. I used to moan how size XS was like wearing a tent! I could eat a horse in one sitting, but never gained weight. I kept that love for food, but my metabolism stopped working one day, and boom! Suddenly I have ass! And boobs!! And a tummy, and was wearing size L, straight from size S. I hit a low point in my life. I was miserable. I was unhappy. I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognise the girl staring back. What have I become??

I decided to take charge of my life after giving myself enough excuses not to. I joined the gym. I hired a personal trainer. In 3 months, I dropped about 4 kilos. Doesn't seemed a lot, but on a small-framed girl like me, I looked like I shrunk. Slowly the shape came back, along with some muscle definition. All of a sudden, I looked toned! And I was liking this look better!

That picture is still in my phone, to serve me as painful reminder of what it took to get me where I am today. To remind me never again, at whatever cost, to lose control again. I know how difficult it is to lose weight. Looking at me now, you wouldn't guess that I too, struggled with weight issues. The difference was, I stopped making excuses. My body now is a testiment of my commitment, determination and pure hard work. Never, ever again will I lose control!
After all, I am holding the remote control of my life!