october 29, 08 wednesday
I was going through some old college notes one day. I was impressed with some of my work!! It was obvious which classes I liked and which classes I disliked. That put a smile on my face as I jogged down memory lane. I regretted I didn't keep all my class notes for the 4 years I was in the US. But among the pile of papers, I found a piece of note with a hand-written poem, unsigned.
I instantly knew who it was from, despite it being unsigned. And I remember when it was given to me.
I was friends with this guy called Dennis. I used to call him "Dee", just for fun. Dee obviously had a thing for me because he was constantly trying to be around me. And he looked like he enjoyed my teasing him. Dee was also intrigued at the way I danced. I was a little exhibitionist at the time, loved showing off on the dance floor. I thought I was a fantastic dancer, but God knows what the other folks thought!! But I didn't care!! We became fast friends and soon enough Dee looked like he was smitten. At college, I was quite popular. Especially with the boys. I had them practically eating out of my hands. My college years were predominantly about boys, boys and more boys! I had more male friends than I did female friends, I knew I was cute and I worked it, and enjoyed the attention. And Dee was giving me a lot of attention!!
But I wasn't interested, not so much at least. But I failed to tell Dee that. So I lead the poor boy on. I think he knew there could never be anything more with me, so he wrote me a poem. I remember reading it and thanked him, and stuffing it in one of the files.
After a while, Dee became a tad bit frustrated when he constantly saw me on campus with a guy. I was always with some guy. Walking, talking, having lunch. That was me at college. It bothered him. And he made it clear to me. That was a turning point...because I remember feeling a little suffocated. So I did what I use to do best back then - avoid the poor boy...like the plague! I came back to KL for summer hols, went back to Wichita and didn't call him. When Dee found out, he was livid. I was indifferent. (I was already interested in someone else).
So that was pretty much the end of Dee in my young college life.
Today, when I read the poem, I felt so much guilt for being such a... b!tch. His only mistake then was to fall in love with me. I felt bad. I wish I knew better back then how to treat people. The poem was sad, and many years on, I finally understood what he was trying to tell me. He was heartbroken. He was in pain, because he could never have me. I didn't see it then.
I thought I should search him, and I thought if I can't find him on FB, then I've lost him. Lo and behold!! Dee's on FB. I shot him a message. He wrote back. We chatted. It was good. He was as excited as I was that we reconnected.
He's in LA now as a microbiologist, has a 10 year-old daughter and has a gorgeous lady. I'm so happy he's doing well. And I'm so happy to be back in touch with him.
I don't have many regrets in my life, but if I could turn back time, I would have been a bit more honest and not hurt him the way I did. We can only learn from our past mistakes. And hope not to repeat them in the future.